The Religious Humor Contest: What’s the funniest piece of scripture you’ve ever read?

What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever read in the Bible, Qur’an, or any other supposed communication from God endorsed by a current or past world religion/cult?

Submit responses in the comment section of this post between now and 11:59 PM on Sunday March 16 (which is, coincidentally, the day after the next international day of protest against the Cult of $cientology), Toronto time.

The winner will be determined by reader voting (one vote per reader account). A new post will be created on Monday March 17 (Toronto time) which will present all the nominees. Votes are to be submitted in the comment section of the Monday March 17 post, with voting beginning as of the opening of the post and ending at 11:59 PM on Thursday March 20, Toronto time. If voters would like to vote earlier, they can do it in the comment section of the current post, but they are advised to wait until the new post is created so that they can view all entries.

What’s the prize? The winner will receive the amazing honour of getting to determine The Frame Problem‘s first (and possibly only) God of the Day for Saturday March 22, 2008, and have their name (or pseudonym) and winning entry displayed in a special post on the 21st, along with a picture (if they provide one) of their deity of choice*.

I have submitted the first entry in the comment section, which can also be read here.

*Note: I reserve the right to chicken out of displaying an image if it seems reasonable to suspect that I may be terrorized by self-righteous psychotic delusional tyrants. In fact, I reserve the right to chicken out of anything if I think it could bring any real danger to myself or anyone else.

TO ALL BLOGGERS/WEBSITERS/FACEBOOKERS: Blessed are those who help promote this contest on their blog, website, and Facebook notes.

45 Responses to “The Religious Humor Contest: What’s the funniest piece of scripture you’ve ever read?”
  1. L. Ron Brown says:

    Duty to a Dead Brother (Deuteronomy, 25.5-10—Good News Bible)

    “If two brothers live on the same propery and one of them dies, leaving no son, then his widow is not to be married to someone outside the family; it is the duty of the dead man’s brother to marry her. The first son that they have will be considered the son of the ead man, so that his family line will continue in Israel. But if the dead man’s brother does not want to marry her, she is to go before the town leaders and say, ‘My husband’s brother will not do his duty; he refuses to give his brother a descendant among the people of Israel.’ Then the town leaders are to summon him and speak to him. If he still refuses to marry her, his brother’s widow is to go up to him in the presence of the town leaders, take off one of his sandals, spit in his face, and say, ‘This is what happens to the man who refuses to give his brother a descendant.’ His family will be known in Israel as ‘the family of the man who had his sandal pulled off.’

  2. BlackSun says:

    “it is hard for thee to kick against the pricks”

    Acts 9:5-6

  3. peter says:

    I guess it does not count that the Wicked Bible (1631) omitted an important “not” from Exodus 20:14, making the seventh commandment read “Thou shalt commit adultery.”

    So I go with Jesus prophecy in Zechariah 13:6 which the Christians often cite:
    “And one will say to him, ‘What are these wounds between your arms?’ Then he will say,’ Those with which I was wounded in the house of my friends.’

    but The Message Bible has it:
    And if someone says, ‘And so where did you get that black eye?’ they’ll say, ‘I ran into a door at a friend’s house.’
    predicting that Jesus will only get a black eye…

  4. Mark R says:

    Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
    St Matthew, 5. 28

  5. Mark R says:

    “Be patient and you will finally win, for a soft tongue can break hard bones. (Proverbs 28:13)”

    “Be patient and you will finally win” sounds like my teenage years trying to get lucky…..wonder if the next part has something to do with this

    Soft tongue hard bone ….what the hell are they talking about?

    • mariely says:

      as in those who are patient,gentle and wise, can over come anyone or anything with strength.

    • wwchill says:

      I’m trying to determine exactly where that quote came from. 22 versions of the English language Bibles do not say it so.
      What you show here is a distinct beguilement of anyone not seeking the truth by adequate research.

      Proverbs 28:13
      He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy.

      Sorry, I know this is a contest for funniest . . . and I’m not playing. If I were though, I would post:

      Psalm 59:8
      But thou, O LORD, shalt laugh at them; thou shalt have all the heathen in derision.

    • jackie says:

      those who have patience and use gentle words (soft tongue) will break hard bones, as in those who aren’t patient or are quick to temper or are stubborn

  6. There are so many silly things in the Bible it’s hard to choose, but the one that takes the cake for me:

    Genesis 1:1 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.

    You can quibble and debate about the rest,; argue that in context each verse contains some relevant wisdom. Genesis 1:1 on the other hand, just seems like a baseless and stupid claim.

    • Scott says:

      You are a baseless and stupid claim, but Jesus loves you anyway. How cool is that? ;-P

    • Anonymous says:

      um…how else would you start a story off about God and a people that couldn’t comprehend such scientific things as we can without thinking in terms of God?

    • Akinade says:

      The word of God is foolishness to those destined to perish. i wish u get d point, with all our scientists breaktroughs it is still shallow, we still dont know about the closest solar system to us in the milky way. apostle paul was a far-worse blasphemer than you. big shame, JEHOVAH God of all loves you so do i, HE will touch you if he wants, for HE said ‘none come to ME’ except i draw them.

  7. L. Ron Brown says:

    TBM: I had a feeling someone would make such an entry.

  8. StewartP says:

    Mark 9:47 “And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell.”

    • jackie says:

      it does not mean literally pluck your eye out if you sin, it’s figurative. plucking your eyeball out would hurt haha 🙂 Jesus is just speaking about how he would rather you get rid of the things that make you sin in your life and sacrifice those things then enter His Kingdom with those things that make you sin

  9. Prometheus says:

    Mark R: Soft tongue meets hard bone(r).

  10. Jason Failes says:

    Mark 16:17-18

    “17And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; 18they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well.”

    This is one of my favorites. Whenever Fundamentalists come to my door, I go and grab bleach and some shot glasses.

    No takers yet, but it astounds me how Christianity ever become anything more than a 1st century, 100-person suicide cult.

  11. HP says:

    My two favorites are probably the first chapter of Chaung Tzu (about the bird so large it can neither take off nor land) and the Homeric Hymn to Hermes (about stealing Apollo’s cattle). But those are both intentionally funny, so they may not be what you’re looking for.

  12. Ed Gaillard says:

    Funniest scripture? Easy. First book of Samuel, chapters 5 and 6. Too long to quote, but the Philistines, having taken the Ark of the Covenant in battle, put it in the temple of Dagon, their chief god. The Lord, the God of Israel–He has nothing better to do than to play practical jokes on the statue of Dagon–sending it crashing to the floor at night and so on–and then He smites the Philistines with hemorrhoids. Now, _that’s_ comedy gold!

    Some translations will say “tumors” instead of “hemorrhoids”; they are false, and of the Devil. Oh, OK, they’re just prissy. (The King James spells it “emerods”; they spelled everything funny back then.)

  13. y’all are keeping to the Christian scriptures. Let’s be multicultural, people, there must be howlers in the Upanishads!

    However, my personal favorite biblical funnybone tickler comes from Exodus 33 and 34, where Yahweh moons Moses:

    33:20 And he said, Thou canst not see my face: for there shall no man see me, and live.

    33:21 And the LORD said, Behold, there is a place by me, and thou shalt stand upon a rock: 33:22 And it shall come to pass, while my glory passeth by, that I will put thee in a clift of the rock, and will cover thee with my hand while I pass by: 33:23 And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts: but my face shall not be seen. …

    34:6 And the LORD passed by before him, and proclaimed, The LORD, The LORD God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abundant in goodness and truth, 34:7 Keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, and that will by no means clear the guilty; visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children, and upon the children’s children, unto the third and to the fourth generation.

    34:8 And Moses made haste, and bowed his head toward the earth, and worshipped.

    I particularly enjoy visualizing Yahweh flashing his butt as he marches up and down, talking about what a poor misunderstood (but still vengeful) god he is.

    A close runner-up would be Ezekiel 20, an allegory of Jerusalem cross-dressed as a whore named Oholibah:

    23:20 For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses.

    The AV / KJV doesn’t quite get the point across with “flesh”; the NIV is clearer:

    There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.

    According to Ezekiel, then, Yahweh suffers performance issues, afraid that he’s not big (nudge nudge wink wink) enough to really please a woman.

  14. Friar-Zero says:

    Numbers Chapter 22, Verses 28-30

    28 – And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam, What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times?

    29 – And Balaam said unto the ass, Because thou hast mocked me: I would there were a sword in mine hand, for now would I kill thee.

    30 – And the ass said unto Balaam, Am not I thine ass, upon which thou hast ridden ever since I was thine unto this day? was I ever wont to do so unto thee? and he said, Nay.

  15. vastleft says:

    My favorite, from Genesis 27:11: “I am a smooth man.”

  16. downstreamer says:

    “Moab is my washpot.” Psalm 60, verse 8

  17. Vjatcheslav says:

    Judges 1:19.

    “The LORD was with the men of Judah. They took possession of the hill country, but they were unable to drive the people from the plains, because they had iron chariots (!).”

  18. Auntie Meme says:

    2 Kings 2:23-24
    Those punks say, “Hey, baldy, baldy” to Elisha and God sends bears to eat them.

  19. Fred Clark says:

    Don’t know if it’s the funniest, but probably the dirtiest verse in the Bible is Ezekiel 23:20:

    “There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.”

    Prostitution as a metaphor for unfaithfulness to God was a pretty common motif for the prophets, but Ezekiel really ran with it.

  20. Jeff says:

    Deuteronomy 23:1 ESV

    “No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.”

    or anywhere else for that matter!

  21. RayCeeYa says:

    Is it fair to go after Scientology?

    Simultaneously, the planted charges erupted. Atomic blasts ballooned from the craters of Loa, Vesuvius, Shasta, Washington, Fujiyama, Etna, and many, many others. Arching higher and higher, up and outwards, towering clouds mushroomed, shot through with flashes of flame, waste and fission. Great winds raced tumultuously across the face of Earth, spreading tales of destruction. Debris-studded, and sickly yellow, the atomic clouds followed close on the heels of the winds. Their bow-shaped fronts encroached inexorably upon forest, city and mankind, they delivered their gifts of death and radiation. A skyscraper, tall and arrow-straight, bent over to form a question mark to the very idea of humanity before crumbling into the screaming city below…

    – L. Ron Hubbard, Revolt in the Stars treatment

  22. RayCeeYa says:

    Or how about this one. A quote from Scientology’s OTIII teachings,

    And it is very true that a great catastrophe occurred on this planet and in the other 75 planets which formed this [Galactic] Confederacy 75 million years ago. It has since that time been a desert, and it has been the lot of just a handful to try to push its technology up to a level where someone might adventure forward, penetrate the catastrophe, and undo it. We’re well on our way to making this occur.

  23. Evolved says:

    Proverbs 21:9: “It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.”

  24. isaac says:

    Genesis 27:11 >>

    Jacob answered his mother Rebekah, “Behold, Esau my brother is a hairy man and I am a smooth man.

  25. Tommy says:

    23 From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. “Go on up, you baldhead!” they said. “Go on up, you baldhead!” 24 He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.

  26. Tommy says:

    II Kings 2, 23-24

  27. Lucy Lowe says:

    I do have a bit of a penchant for any of the myriad bits that have “wailing and the gnashing of teeth”. I think being a 1st Century dentist would have been quite the lucrative business…

  28. Rudy says:

    Someone asked what my “life verse” was. Jokingly I answered:
    Exodus 8:2 “Behold! I shall smite your borders with frogs!”

  29. Jeff Harper from Texas says:

    I will pray for yall tonight

  30. Jeff Harper from Texas says:

    It is foolish to make fun of a book that has lasted for thousands of years. it is the word of a living God and he will deal with you.

  31. L. Ron Brown says:

    Jeff Harper:

    It is foolish to live your life in accordance with a 2000 year old book of fiction. It is foolish to live in fear of a God who, in the course of thousands of years, not a single good argument has been made for. Of course believers will think that they are good arguments, but not a single one of them stands up to any real scrutiny.

    Read this post and see how well you can defend your beliefs:

  32. L. Ron Brown says:

    Regarding the Religious Humour Contest:

    I know I was supposed to get the voting started weeks ago. I’ve just been busy, preoccupied and lazy. I will get to it.

  33. Stoobs says:

    Brehr Prayer – “Please god, I know that I’m not the best person. How about you condemn me to an eternity of hellfire. Or a plague, send me a plague. Or turn me into a pillar of salt. Just please, please, don’t smite my borders with frogs.”

  34. Saint Onan says:

    And they were astonished, with a great astonishment.
    – Mark 5:42 (KJV)

    I always get the impression Mark was floundering for the right word here. WTF did he expect them to be astonished with?

  35. Jason Failes says:

    Jeff Harper: “It is foolish to make fun of a book that has lasted for thousands of years.”

    So quoting the Bible is making fun of it now?

    Remember, people, you heard it here first.

    L. Ron, why send him link when you can send him draino to prove his faith for all of us?

  36. Thanks for another informative web site. The place else may I am getting that kind of info written in such an ideal approach? I have a venture that I am just now running on, and I have been on the look out for such info.

  37. Anonymous says:

    Luke 17: 34-35 …look it up 🙂

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