Chuck Norris’ delusional speculations on the NIU shootings

If anyone can get to the root cause of school shootings it’s Chuck Norris!

Here’s how Chuck breaks the NIU shooting down for us:

… As I’ve said in different ways in different settings, we teach our children they are nothing more than glorified apes, yet we don’t expect them to act like monkeys. We place our value in things, yet expect our children to value people. We disrespect one another, but expect our children to respect others. We terminate children in the womb, but are surprised when children outside the womb terminate other children. We push God to the side, but expect our children to be godly. We’ve abandoned moral absolutes, yet expect our children to obey the universal commandment, “Thou shall not murder.”

Do we now believe we can consider morality and religion optional, without suffering civil and societal repercussions, despite the warning of our Founding Fathers like John Adams, “Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other”?

[bolding by The Friendly Atheist

Spot on!

Of course teaching children the overwhelmingly supported scientific fact of evolution is leading to violence. Yes, we are simply glorified apes. And of course we will rid ourselves of reason for prosocial conduct when we defend the separation of church and state. Without a government-entrenched God there is no basis for empathy and compassion. And moral atheism? GIVE ME A BREAK! Odd, though, that many largely nontheistic nations like Sweden have crime rates among the lowest in the world (far lower than America), atheists are substantially underrepresented in the US prison system (which probably means that theists are over-represented), and even within the US the less religious states tend to have less crime. These must just be a few minor statistical anomolies. Or perhaps Satan’s strategy to undermine God is to sneakily lure atheists away from antisocial behaviour so as to create doubt that religion is needed for moral behaviour. Yes! That is Satan’s strategy: to nudge atheists away from socially destructive behaviours in order to lure people over to the dark side!

And how could abortion not lead to violence. I can clearly see the connection between a 19 year old woman aborting a 5 week old fetus and university campus shootings. I mean, c’mon, do we really need Chuck Norris to point this out to us? CONNECT THE DOTS, PEOPLE! And it’s pretty obvious that by having more parents give rise to more unwanted children, the average mental health of children can only improve. As I always say, the best parent is a reluctant parent. Now surely some readers will say “well, they could put the child up for adoption”. Yes, this is true. But not all children are equally likely to be adopted. Because of pesky minor social factors like racism, some children are less likely to be adopted than others. But hey, who wouldn’t want to be raised in a series of foster homes?

And lastly, when is everyone going to learn that humans are uncapable of figuring out what sorts of behaviours are good and bad for people and societies? When are we going to realize that we need moral absolutes that were supposedly dictated thousands of years ago by an all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-good God? Our ability to feel empathy and compassion and to engage in reason are nothing compared to an evidentially uber-weak 2000 year old book when it comes to ironing out moral precepts.

You kick ass, Chuck Norris!

Hat Tip: The Friendly Atheist

6 Responses to “Chuck Norris’ delusional speculations on the NIU shootings”
  1. sikanrong says:

    Loving it. I would’ve used some harsher language though.. Maybe that’s just me..

  2. selittle says:

    Chuck Norris for GOD!!!!

  3. ronbrown says:

    Selittle: If we make Chuck Norris our God, then we can go around saying “My God can beat up your God”

  4. Rachel says:

    What is in the water in Hollywood – or is that Holy wood?

    That monkey argument is so 1920s… Do these people ever grow up? I suppose if you condense millions of years into a few thousand, 1925 seems like yesterday.

    I think you’ve found a great way of countering these guys, Ron: ridicule… Maybe some in-your-face absurdity will wake them up, then again, they probably think you’re on their side!

  5. misanthropope says:

    twenty years ago, the guy was moderately good at being kicked at the head without falling unconscious. he hasn’t demonstrated a single new skill since then. inquiring as to his opinion on anything at all is as absurd as electing a steroid abuser and C-movie actor to govern your state.

  6. TwilightSerenade says:

    Chuck Norris may have been kicked in the head too much Mis, its obvious he has little braincells left.

    And L, it’s incapable not uncapable, just so you know.

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